My Diary Usagi Tsukino
by Bunnicula03
Summary: Usagi's thoughts. What's behind that fake smile? What'll the last page in her diary lead to? Resolution?Understanding?Acceptance?Follow Usagi's confusion. Gomen if it's a little confusing. I'm trying to make it seem just as if she's jotting it all down i
1. Chapter 1

What have I done to deserve this life? What have I done? What have I done?

I am fighting so they can live their happy little lives. I am fighting so they can breathe. All of which I

can not. I feel myself becoming more distant from my "Mamo-chan", my "friends" and my "family."

Only so much a person can take before they crack… crack… crack. Empty smiles. It's funny how

when they're mad at me it's justified… but when I'm mad at them I'm being stupid, childish,

inconsiderate even… don't I have feelings? Don't I have needs? Wants? Desires? But no I don't.

none that matter anyway…

My dear, dear Mamo-CHAN who is one that has hurt me so but yet I can not break away from

him… break… break… break. From the beginning to the end he has been so condescending towards

me…. First started with his insults… then to his "Oh Usako you don't want to this or talk about

that." "You want an ice cream cone instead?"… like he can not have a mature conversation with

me… like he is just tolerating me… waiting until I come to the point… reach the age where I won't

be ME anymore… USAGI TSUKINO…. Like they're expecting Princess Serenity to come and take

over MY BODY… USAGI TSUKINO… when the time comes to bring forth our kingdom… now I

ask you is that RIGHT? Me USAGI TSUKINO HAS TO BE NO MORE BECAUSE OF WHO I

AM? That a woman who I have been reborn with the spirit of… who has already lived her life but

made a foolish decision in the end… will come and claim what is MINE not HERS…. But if that is

so… do I really have a choice in the matter? Will she completely take over me… or will we

merge…. Usagi Serenity…. But I'm pretty sure all of her gracefulness will crush down all my

ditziness… so in the end there will only be Serenity, princess soon to be queen, of the White Moon

left… Usagi just a memory… a dream… or a nightmare depending on who you are….

When Rei blows up at me… I deserve it… when I blow back up at her…. I'm a dumb meatballhead

who's taking it too personal… too weak… too immature…. When I'm showing Mamo-CHAN my

love… I'm immature, disgusting, all over him…. Embarrassing… but when I stop glomping him

with hugs he looks at me like "I" USAGI TSUKINO has yet another problem that isn't WORTH

TALKING ABOUT but something small and insignificant that can be solved with buying

something such as an ice… cream… cone.

When Chibi-usa attacks me…. And everything I am… when she insults me… her future mother….

I'm not understanding…. I don't understand. I love her but I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Do I still

love her? She reminds me of me… yes… but more of my MAMO-CHAN'S personality…. With the

way she is quick to insult…. Quick to judge…. Quick to think she can handle things on her own…

yes… she is more mamoru's daughter than mine…. Yes… Mamoru.

And yet I take it all in stride… knowing I will soon please them in the future… that I will soon

crack… yes soon… I will soon crack… USAGI TSUKINO will soon crack revealing the cold…

distant Neo-Queen Serenity…. Then all will be well.


	2. Chapter 2

Or will it?

Will everything be okay once I bring forth Crystal Tokyo? One can only wonder and worry…. It's

always been in the back of my head… Do they even respect me in the future? Truly? I wonder about

myself sometimes… Neo-Queen Serenity that is… ever since we fought Prince Demando… ever

since I was informed on how we, how I rule in the future… since he told me that we, that "I" banish

his people of the Dark Moon Kingdom to a cold, dark world because they don't agree to be healed

by my Crystal… they were children at that…. CHILDREN. Ever since it has made me think… did I

come to this decision on my own? Was it more King Endymion's than my own? Did the senshi

more have a hand in this? Or maybe Luna and Artemis? Because surely I know that I, USAGI

TSUKINO, would never, ever do that. NEVER. And that piece of information has ever since

disturbed me… but no one else it seems… hmm…

What else gets me is that… why are we working towards one future, a certain future… I feel so

trapped, so trapped most of the time… and yet I can't voice it to anyone… who takes me seriously

anyway… so that leaves none… because of this … future that I have set in stone with Mamo-chan

and the senshi at my side and Chibi-usa under my wing… I'll never get to discover who I… USAGI

TSUKINO is or was meant to be…. Never. I want to be able to explore, to see what I'm made of…

to discover my potential, then work towards my goals…. A fool can see that with Mamo-chan's

stubborn, proud, do-by-myself personality that we are definitely going to have some disagreements

in the future… ha and knowing that it will probably be me that has to forgive and forget nearly

every time… because if I don't I will be dooming us all of such a GREAT future… and I will be

being selfish choosing my own happiness over the soul and life of my unborn, nonexistent child…

and… THAT'S NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! NOT FAIIIIRRRR! That I ALWAYS have this

hanging over my head… Not fair! I encourage the girls to follow their dreams… have I ONCE

heard THEM encourage ME to do the same? Oh nooooo they all assumed my dream… assumed my

dream was to marry Mamo-chan and what? His housewife? WTF? They truly don't know me. I let

Mamo-chan go… to follow his dream… and it led him to America… Can't they do the same for

me? Can't they?

Dumb blonde.

Thinking of Mamo-chan gone to America(nevermind that he never made it there) always lead me to

think of Seiya… a lot like Mamo-chan but soooo much better in the personality department. Seiya

loved me… was IN LOVE with ME…. USAGI TSUKINO, not me… Eternal Sailor Moon. He

worried about me as USAGI TSUKINO… not Princess Serenity… I still remember our date… it

was nice… Mamo-chan never took me on a date like that…. Even still to this day. I wonder if it

weren't for Mamo-chan and destiny would I have given Seiya a true chance with me? And if so…

would it have been a waste of both of our time? I'm not a fool to see that we were both grieving

from a loss at the time… he his princess and I my prince… and the absence of the one you love and

not knowing what's going on with them, if they're safe, if they still love you… does stuff to a

person's mind and heart… makes them weaker to the next… I know. Seiya… looking for his

princess not knowing if she was alive or dead… constantly searching for her as his songs, his

message, played across the world. No… I don't think it would have worked… at that time… but

now? Maybe… Ha! Then I would be reminded of all my FUTURE duties to my senshi, to

Endymion, to Chibi-usa… to a happy, SECURED future… WTF is that? There should be no thing

as a secured future? Pluto, I wonder with you sometimes… I truly do….


	3. Chapter 3

Oh yeah… I'm blonde I forgot. I can't keep doing this… I can not.

I am the happy go lucky blonde. I grew up with a MOTHER AND A FATHER and a spore of a brother, Shingo. A FULL FAMILY. the other girls, my senshi, were no where as lucky... that's why they are so much more mature than me, I suppose. Oh my gosh… look at me… thinking like them… putting myself down…

Rei... her mother died when she was really young.. her father.. what father? she rarely sees him. he picking his career over family ended to her having to be raised by her grandfather(YOU CAN NOT REPLACE A MOTHER'S OR FATHER'S LOVE. i don't care what you say)... yes she was loved... but forever changed from that. mommy's dead, daddy can't even CALL HER ON THE TELEPHONE. needless to say she matured quickly. But yet… I cant' find it in myself to NOT love you Rei…. Damn.

Ami... her parents are divored... and she rarely sees them as well... her father is a traveling artist and her mother is a doctor(doctors have very busy schedules) and they have to keep learning, have to stay on their toes, have to deal with 14, 16, 18 hour days... so little ami grew into herself, I guess... shy, smart, beautiful and doesn't even realize it. Even with the way Ami cuts me down in this passive aggressive kind of way… I still love her as well…. Dumb blonde.

Makota... her parents both died in a plane crash when she was young(similar to mamo-chan minus the amnesia) so again... another young girl to face the world alone, not most of it but ALL OF IT... THE WHOLE BIG ENTIRE WORLD. BUT... she's a fighter... she didn't fall into the deep abyss, she's optimistic, not a pessimist like Mamo-chan. Everyone reacts differently to what life throws at them. Mako-chan never had any friends... everyone feared the towering angel. so she released all those negative feelings with cooking, gardening, and martial arts. Mako-chan… I'll never leave you alone. It's a horrible feeling….

and then we have crazy Minako... who's a lot like me, but no where Near as NAIIVE as I WAS. sweet, yes. boy crazy, yes. ditzy, yes. Naiive? NOOOOO. she has been serious quite a few times. She fought as Sailor V by herself for an entire year before we had been called upon this… and she lives by herself. Mina-chan lived in England and fought the negaverse a whole year before artemis told her that they had fled to Tokyo and they had to come here. and that's when we met her as Sailor V. sometimes she seems like a wolf i sheep's clothing... a pretender, like I feel at times... her childhood was stolen from her a lot sooner than us... she lives to touch hearts hence her being "Sailor V"... and wanting to be an idol. And I still encourage her to follow her dreams…

I remember when she first appeared… she was all business!... then I quickly saw that she was a lot like me… that we had a long in common… and I needed that… because I really couldn't relate to Rei-chan, Ami-chan, or Mako-chan. LOL. There's more to Mina-chan like there is more to me.

and Mamoru... I know his story... fostered at a young age due to a car accident that killed both of his parents... he suffers from amnesia... similar to Mako-chan. he just... reacts differenty… ugh but maybe Mako-chan ended up a little brighter because she at least had whatever memories she had of her parents to think back to... and Mamo-chan he had nothing... nothing...no memories, no names, no familiar faces, no familiar scents, touches, loving embraces... he didn't even know his own name... and to top all of that he was thrown into the foster system... now you know it's hard for any child other than an infant to be adopted... going through all of that... I respect anyone with that type of character. I respect Mamo-chan. Can't understand him half the time. Can't STAND him some of the time, but I respect him…. Does he respect me? He threw himself into school and came out on top... of everything... but at what cost? Only his sweet Serenity filled dreams... and maybe that of a certain chibi odango(I wonder am I there anymore)... kept his world from completely fading out... It's still funny that his future self sent him those dreams of my dying to "test his love for me"… and to think that he STILL thinks like that in the future… help me…. I still care for him… It kills my soul… our relationship… but I still care for him… but I don't think I love him as great or like I once thought I did…

WHY THE HECK DO I HAVE TO HAVE THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS? WHEN I DO SOMETHING… ANYTHING.. THEY THROW IN THIS "FUTURE KINGDOM. FUTURE HUSBAND. FUTURE HAPPINESS. FUTURE BRAT." CRAP? Why?

crap. it's like... I can't breathe... look at my Mamo-chan... THERE WILL BE FRICTION IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. Especially with him making decisions for BOTH OF US without considering what I, Usagi, even THINKS. But knowing that if I can't forgive him what will happen... I feel like I'm slowing cutting my soul a little more by forgiving him, taking him back... loving him... when he can't even have a conversation with me! Isn't it justified for me to be pretty damn upset if whenever I want to spend time with my FIANCE his nose is in a book. EVERY time... I mean… Mamo-chan if you wanted to, needed to study… just tell me… like all the times you have before.

But I just squash down whatever feelings... whatever thoughts that are negative because NOT being with him I will be dooming the life of an innocent(ha!) which gets me to the point that i don't like... chibi-usa... is always hanging over my head. Always… she won't even exist until a thousand years from now… I can't live my life because of her… and everyone else… I can't be me… Usagi Tsukino.


	4. Chapter 4

I envy Haruka and Michiru… I truly do… the kind of love that they have… the intensity of it… the

depths… oh I envy them greatly… They way they just know what is on the other's mind… the way

they are there for each other… SUPPORT each other even when they know it's not right. I love

them for who they are. I love them a great deal. I wonder why can't Mamo-chan and I be like

them… have what they have. Is that too much to ask? Why can't he feel for me like I feel for him?

Why can't we be like Haruka and Michiru? They both have highly demanding careers, but still make

time for senshi business… and each other… why can't we have that? It's funny how they

shamelessly flirt with others… just a game with them, because they know what the other feels deep

down in their heart, in their soul… what they feel for each other….

I remember the day when Haruka was flirting with me and Michiru was flirting with Mamo-chan…

it was funny… I wasn't jealous of Michiru and Mamo-chan talking… they do have a lot in

common… I love classical music… but who asked? No one. I love Michiru's music… and

Haruka's as well. They both are about love and duty… just not in the same way as us other

scouts…. Their duty seems different than ours… their love just between them… but I love it when

they make me feel loved… I love it and I love them… just wish I could see more of them than what

I do. I would love to travel with them! Maybe spend my last years of high school with them. It

would be a dream come true. It will help get me from these walls, help me with my studies, and

help me with my senshi… So we can all have a greater relationship in the future. How I would love

to…

Even though I love Haruka and Michiru dearly… I know that they… just like Setsuna… are locked

on this future… Crystal Tokyo… so I know I can't open up to them… show them… tell them…

because... they... are part of my pain.


	5. Chapter 5

Incompetence.

That is what they think of me… they don't give me credit for anything I do… but they berate me for

everything that I DON'T or that I fail at… but I've been getting better lately… and I guess they have

noticed, but instead of saying "keep up the good work, Usa" or some other positive remark… they

question me… question me in a way that lets me know that they never thought much of my mental

abilities in the first place.

Yes. I used to be late to school 3/5's of the time… heck 4/5!

Yes. I have bad eating habits. Yes. I eat a lot. And still do! Yes. I love video games and cute little

stuffed animals. Yes. I love showing my love and appreciation with hugs… yes… that is me…

Usagi Tsukino… that is how I am. That is how I am.

No one else can speak the words on your lips… but will these words that I never speak… the words

that I can only write EVER be heard? Will I ever let them be heard?

But when every time when I keep to myself… get lost in my private thoughts… space out as they

say… they look at me like I've grown another head… another eye… another odango… "are you

okay?" "what's wrong?" "are you and Mamoru OK?" "Are you sick?" I'm like… I want to

scream…DAMN! SHUT UP! That rights there… letting me know that no… I can not… these

words will always be ink on paper…

I never really let anyone know when something is REALLY bothering me, you see diary… yes I

whine… yes I complain… yes I'm a crybaby… but only with the little things… my klutz attacks…

when my friends pick on me… when I can't get what I want like… food.. But I never go to anyone

with real problems… I never go to them. Why? I don't know. Or I do… maybe because I know it

won't be worth it… that they will just write me off before I let out what's on my mind. Saying I'm

overreacting or some nonsense… so I keep it to myself… Like when Mamo-chan was supposedly

away in America for months… for months I never received any replies from him… no calls, no

letters, no e-mail, no nothing… but I kept all of this inside. I kept all of that pain inside… inside.

And when they finally figured it out… Haruka… she understood, she knew… it seemed like she

saw another part of me that SHE didn't know was there or anyone else… but then again… did they

ever try to see in the first place?

I admit I never really applied myself… never really studied and when I did try I really got

frustrated… like something was blocking my mind… it could have been a combination of things…

we all deal with things different, diary… I'm no child genius… but I'm no invalid as well…

But then… I can be whatever the hell I want to. Yes I, Usagi Tsukino, can be whatever I want!

It… it just wouldn't hurt so much if this wasn't the daily reaction… the reaction every time I

commented on a book… or a song… or showed them my marks… or didn't make a huge fuss over

things so insignificant… but they do and so it does… it hurts… it hurts diary… it hurts.

And diary... some see keeping all of this inside... keeping the way you feel, your true emotions

inside is being weak... Letting others hurt you so deeply and not letting them know... others that

you love and don't want to hurt... is weak... but I disagree diary.. I disagree... I think that you have to

be quite strong to live with such... resentment... such strong ill-fated emotions, thoughts, feelings...

and not lash out and hurt others, but instead sacrifice yourself for them... for the greater good... I

have learned many things, Diary... and one of them is that no matter what any of them say... I know

that I, Usagi Tsukino, am not WEAK.


	6. Chapter 6

You're going to laugh at this.

Mamo-chan and I went on a date today. We went to the Crown parlor then to the park and set on

'our' bench. He… he wanted to know if anything was wrong. He asked me was it him… he asked

me was it him… like he was hurting for me, Diary. And I didn't know what to say Diary except

nothing of course. Nothing's wrong Mamo-chan. Then I asked him why did he ask… he said that he

could see it in my eyes and that something just wasn't right… so I opened my big mouth and said

"What? Did you have a dream that told you otherwise?" with a hint of bitterness in my voice… just

a hint. He looked weird for a moment, then back normal, if there is such a thing with my Mamo-

chan.

I mean, Diary, you and I know just how much this man values his dreams… believes in them and

trusts them… hell he trusts them more than he trusts me! He believed in Princess Serenity and

started searching for the silver crystal to save her(by any means necessary)… and he believed in the

dreams that I was going to die in the future, so he broke up with me. So don't tell me he doesn't.

And yes I am a bit bitter, Diary.

That this man… no Diary, I won't go there… because today wasn't a bad day. Let me continue

telling you.

Okay… after I asked Mamo-chan did he have a dream he said "No, but you've been a bit odd lately.

Not exactly happy." And I'm thinking 'You noticed?' but I replied "I'm fine Mamo-chan. I'll

always be fine. You know me I always bounce back. Armageddon or high hell waters I always

bounce back." He looked like he wanted to say something… he looked like he could tell I was

hurting… like he knew that HE was part of the reason that I was hurting but that he just didn't

know what to do, what to say to make up for his… neglect. Ha! Or maybe that's just what I THINK

I see in his eyes. He neglects me and my family and friends abuse me. LOL.

As I was about to say something else I see a familiar blonde, then a mop of blue, a splotch of

brown, then black…

"Mina-chan, Ami-chan, Mako-chan, Rei-chan? What brings you here? Why don't you join Mamo-

chan and I?"

"Great you're here." Rei-chan says. "Were you looking for us? What's wrong?" I ask them. "You

could have called me on my communicator."

"No. No. Nothing like that! It's just… It's just…"Mina-chan trails off. "It's just that we've missed

you Usagi. You haven't been coming by the arcade lately and I told the girls about your score of 95

on our last test so I insisted that we congratulate you with a huge picnic!" Ended Mako-chan.

"We have all your favorites. Courtesy of Mako-chan of course!" Squeaks Ami-chan. 'whatever' "I

don't see why, but you didn't have to." I say as I tilt my head to the side. "Mamo-chan did you know

about this?" "Yes." Is his only reply. "We're… we're proud of you Usa and… and…" "Mina

don't!" Rei says. "… and we've been worried about you lately! I know I have anyway! Usa you're

my BEST friend. You understand me more than anyone else. And I you. I can feel certain things and

lately you have been sad. So SAD and it's KILLING me. I am the goddess of love and beauty, you

know! And I guess I'm tapping more into my powers now because I've never felt such emotion

before. And I've had enough! We're going to have a good time! We brought music, games, and

food! So what do you say?" 'what can I say?' "I'm sorry you had to feel what you did. I'll be more

cautious with my feelings in the future." I replied. "but thank you, all of you. It's a sweet gesture."

Then I dig for a little bit of the old Usagi. "Soooo what do you have! I'm starving! Mamo-chan

didn't feed me!" I pout and turned dead eyes on our happy little picnic.


	7. Chapter 7

Ah… the pink-headed spore has returned to torture me yet again.

Mini-me. Mini-mamo. Mini-moon. Chibi-usa.

I love this little girl… but at the same time… with the memories she has left me… I just don't

know. I don't want to go there right now. I just don't understand. How she's so sweet to everyone

else… to the girls, the cats, and Mamo-chan and yet… not me. She is sweet to Rei-chan, Mina-chan,

Ami-chan, Mako-chan, Luna, Artemis, Mamo-chan, Haruka-san, Michi-san, Setsuna-san, Hota-

chan, Shingo-baka, and my parents... but not to ME.

They say you bring certain things upon yourself with the way that you act… They say people can't

stand to constantly be around those certain behaviors causing them to snap at you all the time and

constantly continue to degrade you even when you're not around... but you bring it upon yourself? whether

it's with lying constantly... or being a dumb blonde. is that true? I can see if I was someone who

bothered people? Tore at them. Instead of them tearing me down. So this can't be karma being a…

bitch. I don't know. Why else would the one I give everything for… give me nothing in return? I

don't ask for anything but why the negativity all of the time. Why? I'm sorry but these one out of a

gazillion moments that I have a heart to heart with Chibi-usa AIN'T WORKING. Is it that she

truly can't stand who her mother is or once was? Is she embarrassed? Is she ashamed? or is it truly

Hate? My heart breaks each time. I wonder what my future self is thinking with these new

memories between her daughter and me. Is she seeing a side of her "Small Lady" that she never

knew? Does she care? If she's me. Probably not.

If you haven't guessed, Diary… Chibi-usa will be joining us yet again. I received a letter from Neo-

Queen Serenity and King Endymion announcing that she will be arriving by the end of this week…

sigh Well, I have time to prepare. To put up my guard… but I don't think she can hurt me anymore

than she already has. I've died for her father, almost died for her best friend, and almost died for

her…. And still… sigh

What trips me out also diary is… why when Chibi-usa comes am I and everyone to protect her?

Now I DON'T MEAN IT IN THAT WAY DIARY! Not at all… I will gladly DIE before any harm

comes to my daughter… brat or not… but logically… isn't that stupid? For Tuxedo Mask or Sailor

Moon to jump in front of a huge blast for Chibi-usa? She doesn't exist yet. I mean… If Mamo-chan

or I die then she WON'T exist. Just always seemed weird to me, that's all.

Heh… but I'm the first to admit that I through LOGIC to the wind when it comes to the possibility

of this ungrateful, sarcastic, hateful brat getting hurt.

If this keeps up… I swear I'm going to have a mental breakdown and they won't have to worry

about whether Crystal Tokyo will come to be or not… but more so if their schizo queen is sane

enough to take the throne or not!


	8. Chapter 8

My Diary Usagi Tsukino

_Usagi's thoughts. What's behind that fake smile? What'll the last page in her diary lead to? Resolution? Understanding? Acceptance? Follow Usagi's confusion. Gomen if it's a little confusing. I'm trying to make it seem just as if she's jotting it all down in her diary. I hope you like it! I reall like Usagi's character. Do you honestly think someone like her, with all she has went through, can go day to day with a huge smile on her face without something dark bubbling under the surface? I REALLY love this character! Thank you for your reviews. Yeah I have updated quite quickly, ne? heh. More for you to hopefully enjoy... Til next time..._

Ah… I am reminiscing yet again diary…

Mina-chan is really my almost twin. She is like me, but she is not. She wants to know what's

WRONG so she can make it RIGHT. but is it that simple, diary? Is it? I don't think so. We were

talking about all our old boy-capades when we were a bit younger... just about a year and a half

ago... I really don't think that Mina-chan cares what anyone thinks of her... only those that are very

important to her. I mean look how she was all over the Three Lights! Trying to get a picture with

them in ugh... compromising positions to show that one of them was her boy friend. LOL. I do

adore, Mina-chan... but she's in the kettle with the rest of them. You see I spent the day with Mina-

chan... nothing serious just some mall-trotting. Then she asked me how Mamo-chan and I was...

They say that love is half the battle… and I think there is no truer statement than that.

Love alone can't hold a relationship together. It takes so much more… respect, patience, trust,

HONESTY, GIVING OF YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY, understanding, and a lot of hard

work. And I'm working hard… I am, but love is NOT enough. I don't want to do this anymore. Not

saying that I don't want to BE with Mamo-chan Ijust don't want to hurt anymore. They're killing

me… murderers. I know how I feel about Mamo-chan... but I wonder what Mamo-chan feels for

me is what he feels for all three combined... Usagi Tsukino, Sailor Moon, and Princess Serenity.

He can relate to Princess Serenity not Usagi Tsukino hence our bad conversations... not all the time,

but most... one-sided even. That is exactly what I was thinking aboutwhen Mamo-chan told me a

while back thathe was going to America to study.

I was thinking that I wouldn't hurt him, kill his dreams or rain on them… that I would let him go.

Not to mention that I was hurt that he didn't decide to tell me

about this life altering change until a few DAYS before when he applied to that American college

so manyMONTHS ago… but I still was there for him. I mean wearen't your regular lovey dovey

couple. We are going to be future king and queen. We're supposed to have a love that has survived

a thousand years! It has survived... but bythe hair on it's chinny chin chin.

I still let him go. I still saw him off. I didn'twant to hurt him.

I didn't want to be the reason why every time I walk out the door I see him die a

little more… unselfish love. I let him go. Come to think about it I really had no choice. He had

made up his mind... without even considering me.

Everything was set… living arrangements, plane ticket, everything… again he made such a huge

decision regarding our future without me. He was going to go and be away from me for years on

end studying and he had made that decision without PREPARING me for it… some love there. He

knew for months that he was leaving to go off to school to America. You know you get your

acceptance letter in ample time to get ready yet he said NOTHING to me. Nothing. He decided to

give it all to me in one big blow. What if I really had something I wanted to tell him? Show him?

Do with him? What if I wanted to make sure we spend as much time as possible doing everything

we always wanted to do before he left? He robbed me of that. He couldn't tell me ahead of time so

I could have done all of those things?

He couldn't out of common courtesy let me know right then and there? What could I have done? I

could have had more time to accept the fact that he wouldn't have been around and then maybe I

wouldn't have been so alone when he left. I mean.. He knew when Neherenia was here! So I could

either have been like "I don't want you to go. If you love me you'd stay. You're throwing me away

so we're through." But I did not… I understood that this was his dream and that his mind was

already decided…. And this is what I have to deal with in the future.

Oh andto add to that list of how to make a relationship work diary… I think… sometimes it takes

selfishness. Oh well, I'm off to prepare Chibi-usa's room. I wonder just how much Mamo-chan

will ignore me once Chibi-usa comes? How much will he look down at me for arguing with a

little girl? Well he doesn't have to worry about that because I think I'm reaching a new level of

emotion...I won't get in their way of having father-daughter time. Heck, why doesn't she

once choose to stay with him instead of me all of the time? He IS her father. She DOESN'T like me.

HeDOES have his own place. He IS Tuxedo Mask. We both have school and let's be real, Chibi-

usa is off somewhere on her own way more than she is being 'watched' by one of us.

Well, I'm off. Maybe I'll see you tonight diary...


	9. Chapter 9

My Diary Usagi Tsukino

_Usagi's thoughts. What's behind that fake smile? What'll the last page in her diary lead to? Resolution? Understanding? Acceptance? Follow Usagi's confusion. Gomen if it's a little confusing. I'm trying to make it seem just as if she's jotting it all down in her diary. I hope you like it! I reall like Usagi's character. Do you honestly think someone like her, with all she has went through, can go day to day with a huge smile on her face without something dark bubbling under the surface? I REALLY love this character! Thank you for your reviews. Yeah I have updated quite quickly, ne? heh. More for you to hopefully enjoy... Til next time..._

I decided to do it today, diary... I decided to call a meeting and do it... and this is how it,I started...

"We're best friends, right? We've been through heaven, hell, and even death together. We should be

able to come to each other with anything in all complete honesty. Whether it is something we did or

the way that we're feeling without having to worry about being judged just as in a stranger's eyes.

Because we are BEST friends. Correct? Best friends should not have secrets, right? Even if we are

not all the best of friends we still have something bigger than all of use that ties us together. We are

all senshi. No matter what group, we are ALL senshi. I have something to tell you all. Take from

this what you may, but I have decided that I needed to get this out, better now before Chibi-usa

graces us with her presence because I don't think she'll fully understand. Thank you Haruka,

Michiru, Setsuna, and Hotaru for coming. Thank you Mina, Ami, Mamo-chan, Rei, Mako, Luna,

and Artemis as well. I have been keeping this in for too long. I was thinking about telling you all in

a letter, on paper, but that's the coward's way. I want to tell you to your face, I want you to be able

to ask questions to my face. I want you to be able to see your reactions and to hear your words,

accusations, and reasons. Now… here I go, please don't interrupt me. Thank you in advance.

I have to get this off of my chest before I go crazy. You may not like it, but I have to. I don't plan on

leaving you. I don't plan on breaking up with Mamo-chan and I don't plan on going against the

future of Crystal Tokyo that all of you are so set on…. Yet. I just want you to LISTEN. If you can

do that, then we have hope.

I have been putting up with a lot of things, a lot of things these past 2 years. A lot of negativity for

who I am. I love you guys, I just don't like you much right now. You have cut me down so many

times that I am just a canvas of scabs. I never ask for much, never ask for anything, but just respect

and I don't think that I have been getting it. First… I'm going in order. I'll start with you Mamo-

chan. You are the first that I met out of our little family, yet I still don't know you. I thought I did,

but every now and then you do or say something that let's me know that I don't. Mamo-chan, I love

you, but right now I have this intense dislike for you. It was understandable when we first met for

you to throw rude remarks at me because we didn't met under nice circumstances, but then it got

old and tiring. I couldn't figure you out. I couldn't figure out why this sophisticated, intelligent,

cold, handsome, young college student felt the need to insult me whenever we became within five

feet of each other when I never bothered him. I couldn't understand it, but you made it clear

because I was this dumb, ditzy, air headed, fat, piggish, rude, clumsy, stupid, childish blonde that

needed to be fixed. Every now and then you made me feel very bad to be me, Usagi Tsukino. You

made me feel bad to wear my "odangos." But I never let you know. I never changed my hairstyle. I

put my chin up and kept on walking. So that continued on for a while. Then we found out that you

were Prince Endymion and I was Princess Serenity. Everyone was shocked that I was Princess

Serenity. To say that I was or wasn't, I can't. I really can't. But you were all like 'Serenity, my love

I've found you' and I well Serenity replied the same. Then you were taking away from us, Serenity

and me. As soon as I received Serenity's memories from the Silver Millennium of you, I felt her

love for you and knew I needed, wanted to find you: Mamoru, Tuxedo Mask, and Prince Endymion.

I was confused, but I knew I had to find you. What a twist when you turned out to be brainwashed

by Beryl. What a twist. So then I convinced you of whose side you really were on and then you

came back to me, well Serenity. Funny how we went from spending time avoiding each other to

dating each other in such short time, but I guess millennia old memories do that to you, ne? I was

confused and so were you. Then not too long after we finally were able to be, you broke up with me

because of a stupid nightmare at that. Funny it was Serenity in that nightmare dying and not me…

funny. But what got to me the most Mamo-chan is that you went about it the wrong way. I just wish

you would have given me more credit back then. You broke our heart when we broke up. You took

it upon yourself to break up with me without telling me what was wrong. You had me doubting

everything from myself to that ageless love of ours. And the way you made me feel concerning

Chibi-usa was just another tear in my heart. You made me feel so stupid, so hated, such a

humiliation to you. Believe it or not, Mamo-chan, for one brief moment I hated you. I did. You

never heard me out when it came to her. You never heard me out, period. You took on to Chibi-usa

only naturally because she is a part of you… but do you know that you helped with the way that

Chibi-usa sees me, treats me, talks to me because she learned from you during that time when you

were so busy pushing me away with any means possible? Being so cruel to me. Chibi-usa didn't

like me much to begin with, but seeing the guy that she had a crush on, who used to be my former

boy friend bag on me like you did, oh well that gave her more reason to resent me. Ever thought

about that, Mamo-chan? Of course you didn't. Of course you didn't. So we got back together after

that. Then it was the same ol' same ol'. I was feeling like less of a person especially when Chibi-usa

came back. First of all, Mamo-chan, I love Chibi-usa very much but she with you is the greatest part

of my pain. I will sacrifice any and everything for that girl. I love her more than I love my own life.

When she left, you had another surprise for me… you were off to America to study for kami knows

how long. Heck, YOU didn't even know, only that it would definitely be a year or two. What the

hell, Mamo-chan? And you decide to tell me this big piece of new two days before you are set to

depart. I felt like such a love crazed fool. You knew for months and now you tell me this! Again,

aren't I a person? Aren't I the love of your life? Your other half? Why didn't you tell me as soon as

you knew, Mamo-chan? Didn't you owe me that much? Silence! Didn't you owe me that much! Do

you think that the love of a lifetime can say good bye in a DAY? If so, you never truly loved me,

Mamo-chan, because holding that in would have ate at you and ate at you. Keeping something like

that from ME. Ha! But it didn't, which only let me know something else: I am not the one for you.

That is how I feel now Mamo-chan. I have come to realize that I haven't felt whole in a while now

and it's because of you. I'm not being childish, Mamo-chan. I'm being serious. I'm speaking from

my heart and my head now. I think I need distance from you. I've never felt such love and hate for

someone before. Yet you don't even know it. You don't even own up to your own downfalls. I own

up to mine every single day. I always wondered do you love me, Mamo-chan? Do you love ME?

USAGI. ME. I -I am good at reading the heart and I don't think that you are or at the very least you

are confused. How can someone go from not giving a damn to loving me with such a passion? It

can only be that you never fell for Usagi Tsukino, but you fell for Serenity… or Sailor Moon or

both of them, but not me. I planned on being so much more profane, but that's not my way Mamo-

chan. If you love someone you let them go and I have figured out just how to let you go. I don't

want to have to feel your embarrassment for me anymore, Mamo-chan. I don't. Nor chibi-usa's.

Hush! Don't worry. The future, YOUR future will still be intact. You see Mamo-chan; I plan on

using the silver crystal today. I plan on splitting my soul from Serenity's. I plan on freeing you…

from me. If I am still needed as Sailor Moon I will gladly fight, but I doubt it since moon blood is

what made me Sailor Moon in the first place and that I shall no longer have. I need to be at peace,

Mamo-chan. All of you. I swear to you that I am one step from the edge and all of your

"constructive criticism" shoves me even more. I have been doing better, a whole lot better, but it

still isn't enough. It will never be ne? Because I am not her."

**A lone tear rolls down Usagi's cheek.**

**All the senshi start to protest. Mamo-chan is just in silent shock**

_(Next her message to the senshi before the finale.)_


End file.
